Reincarnation?

 Every once in a while I give reincarnation a serious think. 

It doesn't help, that when I was a kid (and sure, a little depressed,) I was convinced that I did not belong in this world, that I wasn't meant to be here, that I was supposed to be anywhere else. It doesn't help, because I've been starting to feel that way again, intensely, and upsettingly. 

I digress. 

Reincarnation is such a great concept. I feel like the people who came up with it were sitting idly, contemplating their own point of views. Their own consciousness, the inability to literally see through any other perspective than our own. How when we sleep time sort of blips between eyes closing and opening again? Or else we have wild and wacky dreams that span vast lengths of time, or simple blinks of space. 

Did they come to the same conclusion that I did? That the consciousness that we inhabit in those moments doesn't just.... stop? That is must keep going, somewhere else, awaken as something else, that it is as continuous as the chain of events that craft and mold the universe? 

Because I believe that when I die, and I close my eyes for the last time, and everything slips away, I will experience the most intense dream sequence imaginable. It might last for eons, for moments, but it will be glorious and terrifying and heartbreaking all at once. 

And then - I believe that I will open my eyes. 

Perhaps I will remember my old life in those first moments, and that is why babies cry and cry and cry when they are first born. Or perhaps I won't remember, and I'll cry for forgetting. Or perhaps, not cry at all, and simply be filled with awe, and wonder, and gratitude at having been given something new. 

And maybe in that next one I'll feel a little more suited to it. 

It's a nice thought, anyway. 

Broken Heart

Do you remember how it felt, when your heart broke for the first time?

I remember that it felt like every color paled. Like every sound dulled. Like the tide had suddenly come in, a roaring of waves in my ears. That sudden chest-filling, like too many feathers stuffed up under my ribs Trying to smother a sparking, sputtering heart with downy fluff Only to have it flash-burn and diminish into soft, clogging ash. Again and again and again, sticking to the insides of my bones-- Like an over-eager crawling in my palms as my throat tightened, Emotion crept up under my jaw and clung beneath the hinge, Like my tears were hiding there, swallowed back, not now, not here. Impossible pain that started as the warmth and safety of home. Something wonderful ended, something stable crumbled, a fire suddenly banked. Mixed urges misfire behind my eyes, To scream, to cry, to hide, to run, to stop everything everywhere, please. Just stop, please stop.

Do you remember what it was, that broke your heart the first time?

I remember that I got close to someone far away. Bonded as if by magic.

I can't remember if they were real, but they had to have been.

Real enough for me, anyway. Maybe I could feel their hand in mine as I held open the book to read.

Maybe they were the blanket around my shoulders as I watched the screen. Maybe they came to life a bit too well, a bit too thoroughly, and claimed a spot

in my heart. Maybe I put too much of myself into them as I guided them through their destiny.

Then, the connection broke. The credits rolled, the chapter ended, the boss was slain, the ink ran out.

A blink and they were gone, as if they had never existed at all.

Do you remember how it felt, when your heart broke for the first time?

When something shares a place inside your head so thoroughly that their absence makes you feel less.

When something ignites something inside you so brightly that when it leaves, the light extinguishes.

When something touches you so deeply that when those tendrils fade you feel cold.

I remember.

Welcome in, 2025!

 Here we go, kiddies.

It's been a whole 7 days of 2025, and I'm going to give you the Oru List of What-the-fucks. 

NEW YEAR CONS: 

- Dogs both got some seriously disturbing stomach bugs, and had been shitting acid for about 5 days between the pair of them. This includes, but is not limited to: waking us up at ungodly hours so they don't shit indoors, shitting indoors when I'm at work by accident because they can't hold it, cleaning up said shit, etc...

- The wonderous world of Feminine-Bodily-Functions assaulted me three days ago, which turned my already low seasonal depression into rock-fucking-bottom depression, spurred on by completing a video game that was so good that I think I may actually DIE because I can no longer continue playing the character I made to beat the game.

- Guess what!? I don't want to work on my edits. I don't want to stress over something SO important to me, knowing that it's going to just sit and die like every other thing I make of my life! What's the point? Have I started bathing in the acrid waters of nihilism!? PERHAPS! At the very least, I'm in the midst of a wallop of a seasonal depression.

- No raise yet. Hooray. 

- The continued and uncontrollable urge to weep, brought on by: music, random thoughts, tactile sensations, looking in the mirror, a fucking BREEZE blowing in the wrong direction, etc... 

NEW YEAR PROS:

- I am still very much alive. So are my dogs, and my love, and my friends. 

- People liked my Chocolate-Gingerbread Cookies.

- The game I'm playing/played until oblivion is absolutely fantastic. Judge me all you want, but I've been a fan of the franchise since Origins. I'm obsessed with the world, the lore, the everything. DragonAge: The Veilguard, my beloved (as some of my friends would surely say.) IN my opinion, the movement of the characters is so natural (especially in comparison to earlier chapters of the game,) and the dialogue is beautifully crafted to purposefully draw you closer to the NPCs, letting you be brusque and rude and funny, but not needing to worry about accidentally alienating an NPC based on a difference of opinion. There's so much more good about it, but I can't because I'll cry like a damn sap. Maybe later.

- I still think my hands are pretty cool. As in, I like the appearance, flexibility, and general size & shape of my hands. Which is something, right? I think it counts. 

- I need a fifth one to make it even. Let me think. Um. Oh, I'm in the party for a friend of mine, gonna be a Grooms-person, and The Groom's dad got all our suits for us, so all we have to pay is Tax. I think that's VERY swell of him, and I thanked him profusely. 

Nearly There

 Gosh, 5 whole posts in the span of a year! Well done, self-proclaimed writer! (I'm almost proud, honestly. That's five more than I thought I would remember to do! 😅)

And to top it off -- sigh -- they're all rather dark and broody, aren't they?

Hmm. 

Well I wish I could say this one is going to be different, but WHY break a nice streak? I'm here to make it 6 posts in 2024, and keep the mood at just barely above drowning! Hooray!

Oh the seasonal depression. It's like your normal depression, only intensified by the plastic brilliance of Holiday Decorations, and everyone trying to be so nice  to each other, and of course the added stress of getting gifts, cleaning house, decorating, sending cards, avoiding people you don't want to see, trying to see people you DO want to see, bottling up emotions to keep everyone comfortable, scheduling time off, realizing you'll never be able to take a nice long paid vacation ever in your stupid life, feeling painfully nostalgic for the days when this season actually made you happy instead. 

You know. The Seasonal Version. 

Wow. I am not allowed to cry at work. Phew. Okay. We'll take a raincheck on this one, folks!

Rough, Buddy.

 I made the mistake of having faith in people. Which is strange for me, considering I'm more bitter than optimistic, these days. I'm judgmental and unforgiving, I don't trust strangers, and I certainly don't like meandering around populated areas alone at night. But for some unknown reason, this election, I thought, "What the hell. People literally can't be THAT stupid."

They can. They are. It makes me sick. It makes me unsteady, to realize with disbelief that more than half of this country actually thinks the way they do. That they think this ego-inflated, mentally-deficient, morally-antagonistic, machismo-driven sexual offender is a Better Choice. 

They actually think that. It blows my mind, I can watch five minutes of this man speaking through his fucking duck-face, and I feel my IQ start to sink just to understand what he's saying. Maybe I'm one of the stronger ones, who could pull away before my mind snapped and regressed to the terrible twos, where the rest of his support group mentally dwells. 

Some sort of large scale Enchantment, a charm to numb weak minds and take control, that would do the trick. Some black magic, real evil shit, if that were true that would make things so much easier. See if that WAS the case, that would imply that there was magic, and if there was magic, I would magic missile his ass so hard we would, as a collective, get our IQ's returned to us. 

But no, this world blows, and more than half the people in it blow (which is a fucking lot of people.) And it is really hard to keep shit together when the absolutely unbelievable is happening right beside you, know what I mean? 

I'm so sorry to all of you out there who expected more from us. I wish there were a greater number of us who thought the way I do, who feel how I feel, but evidently there are... fewer than I thought. 

It's sad really. Like realizing you're an endangered species. That any day might be the last time your thoughts are heard, your words spoken. That any day you could say something that makes perfect sense, and the people around you will see you as other.

Well. At least it's a pretty day out. 

View From The Bottom

 I can see a lot from here. It isn't what people really want to see, but there's still a lot of it. For example, there are so many different kinds of shoes; sneakers, loafers, galoshes, sandals, spike heels, you name it. And some of them are really nice. 

Honestly, I would much rather get stepped on by a pair of black and white oxfords that shine like the barrel of a gun, then a pair of faux-gold strappy sandals that are pretending to be Grecian. 

Guess it's just a preference thing. I'm still getting stepped on after all. 

People drop things though, and they end up down here. Long forgotten treasures that fall out of pockets or tumble off of trucks. People who were discarded along the way who get sick of the climb, they end up here, too. Well-loved markers. A worn and patched wallet. A piece of someone's tail light from when their car was towed away.

I guess I count as one of them, now. A cast-off. A rat cast into the river with a pair of cement shoes.  I'm not entirely surprised, I do this to myself ALL the time. I am the absolute worst of myself, to myself. Come on, where else would be easier to aim it? And I'm SUCH an easy target too, God I know just what makes me tick. 

It is really hard to be excited about the things you love when no one gives a shit Oop, sorry, at it again. Let me try that one more time. 

It is really hard to be excited about the stupid shit you love when there's a voice shouting in your head.

It is really hard to be anything with that voice telling you nothing but the hard truth talking smack about everything all the time. 

Except bored. It's easy to be bored. Because if I'm bored it means that I am not fucking anything up at least have time to try and convince myself NOT to be an ass to myself. 

I can't even turn the firehose off, it's just cold and damp and getting very full in here, and I keep hearing--

You know what, I think that's it for today. 

Pour

 I know the danger now,

of letting things flow, 

fingers stretched and grasping

holding, stretching, molding, yes

yes

pouring thick as syrup from my veins

a taffy I can work like clay

a solid stream of thought

play, words, lands, people, yes

yes

I can fill the room around me

craft my own palace, fill it

fill my world with everything, anything

all of it, any of it, many, few, yes

yes

I can't move fast enough to catch it all

it comes as often as breath, heart beat, blinking

I beg for it not to stop, of course

why, please, never stop, I need it, yes

yes

Oh, but folly is not seen until its up to the eyes

my palace submerged, my lands sinking

everything, anything, still pouring out

out, out, out, out, out, yes

yes

I will drown in this, my thoughts

imaginings of more wonderful things

what I can't have, what does not exist

not real, can't be real, oh I wish it to be real, yes

yes

and when my air is full of this clotted stuff

beauty warped by pressure, space, clumsy fingers

tired fingers, ever molding, with no one to see

please, watch, read, listen, see? yes

yes

perhaps then I will die covered here, content

buried in things I love, created to be shared

up to my eyes, my ears, nose, golden, honey sweet

yes.

Jump

 I stand as a shattered thing

eyes turned, chin down, unsettled

a weakness for deities

beautiful, talented, a little insane

and when something is all of these

I cannot seem to stay tame

I am virulent

a toxic tonic set to fizzle

blood boils, heart pounds, skin sizzles

leaping without looking at the edge

and knowing a fall like that 

kills

I stand as a shattered thing

after landing

on my feet, still, on my feet

though swaying

though smiling, masochistic

at the blood on my own bare fingers

having no chance even to heal

before I even start pounding

over and over and over and over

at the cliff

to climb back up on broken legs

only to jump again.

Farewell 2023 - Hello 2024

 Ahh, the first of 2024. That gloriously awkward time, when one must continuously correct everything one needs to put a date on. What better way to bid farewell to the previous year, than to do a little "Spotify Recap" of events and fun facts?

• I wrote the first 2 drafts of a full length novel (130k+ words.)
• Come on, I have to start the list strong, or I feel like hot garbage, gimme a break.
• I got a new job.
• I suppose you could call it an even trade; comparable pay only delivered once a month (ugh) in exchange for a soothing work environment, better bosses, and a better schedule.
• I've read 54 books this year start to finish. 
• I tried to read 56, but I haven't gotten through the other 2 because the first one was very odd spiritual preaching, and the second is VERY dark, and VERY long, and I got VERY discouraged.
• I managed to get out of bed every day and continue to exist!
• Horrible things are happening everywhere in the world, but I am grateful, at least, that I have my friends, my family and my dogs. 
• Lets face it. I can't go out and physically keep my friends and family safe. I can't be in many places at once, but I CAN keep a machete by the door and seriously mess someone up if they try to lay a finger on my dogs. SO there's that.
• I made 2 new friends this year.
• I met a glorious handful of my online friends in person this year.
• I indulged in several instances of arts and crafts, and enjoyed it.

And now, the list of things I would very much like to do (or at least TRY very HARD to do) in the upcoming year! I won't call them resolutions, because that would imply I have stronger resolve then I may actually possess. Instead, I will call these my personal list of new years suggestions.

• Spend more time at the dog park with the doggos.
• Sort of drifted away from them during COVID because most of them were closed, but now that they're open again, I think it's well worth the car ride and awkward hellos to strangers.
• Send inquiries out to agents for that book I wrote. 
• Maybe I'll even edit a third draft, who knows, lets get crazy. 
• Write another book with my dear friend who shall not be named.
• Oh it will be spectacular, we've got an outline, and it practically writes itself. In FACT we've technically already WRITTEN the damn thing, it's.... a matter of POV and formatting - well, you'll see, anyway. 
• Re-Do my impromptu paper blinds and decorate them with fun stuff like I originally planned. 
• This is more of an insider information one, but I have these sliding doors (that we do not use as doors) and instead of physical curtains, I've cleverly used packing paper to make the illusion of curtains. They are brown. I would like to make them more fun. This is an attainable goal. 
• Get new soil for my one, poor, lonely plant. 

I'm sure over time I'll accumulate more, but I think that's a perfectly respectable list. 

Happy New Year, all of you ghosts out there! 

A Character's Poem

 A character of mine wants to write a poem.

How do you think he did?

~

My grave was bare but I kept it well

Sealed within I kept company with ghosts

Your eyes shown in the darkness, peering in

brighter than Winter-moon when pain is sharpest.

My life black ink on pale paper standing still

yet your voice raised it into brilliant song

I've felt the tender touch of cruelty and called it love

but when you touch me there are no threads

walking bones in flesh, I deserved less

Yet I saw that a heart does not need to bleed to beat.

A hand does not need to bruise to hold

Words need not sting or burn to be spoken

It was you that pulled me from this tomb

and told me that I live, I feel, I am.

We may be but two dead men, cold hands clasped

But my heart beat true at your kiss, when I thought death the end

Lets make a poem!

 It has been a while since I've delved into my poetry, so here is something I came up with recently, for your reading pleasure. 

My old job was a huge disaster
That robbed all employees of laughter
We hated the way
That the owners would bray
and kill all our spirits much faster.

Happy Limerick!

(I know, it's terrible. I'm out of practice.)

Progress!

 The newsletter is up!

My landing page has a review, and a picture, and a blurb! 

I'm halfway through draft 2.0, and it's being churned through my writing group!

If my timing is right, the writing group should get through it in about 8 months. Which is plenty of time to cut and trim and adjust everything. 

THEN I can send it through another beta read!

Go sign up for the newsletter if you haven't already, the second issue is out August 15th :)

The Blurb

 Here it is, A draft of the Blurb.

Dani is new to The City and having trouble with life in general. Xe is in debt, behind on rent, and can't get past xyr writer's block. Not only that, but all the jobs xe is qualified for are taken by those in the supernatural community who are clearly better suited to the tasks. 

After a night out with friends to help clear xyr mind, a chaotic bout of violence brings opportunity in it's wake, and Dani finally gets a job: 

Administrative Assistant to Jack, a Necromantic Consultant, who also happens to be the only registered Lich in the continental U.S. 

Among the dilemmas of learning a new and bizarre occupation, Dani also has to come to terms with the possibility that xyr boss is a powerful Necromancer... who might be involved in an unprecedented string of vicious Zombie attacks.

What's This?

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On The Topic

 Greetings and Salutations!

I know, I know. I haven't been consistent, or reliable, or even present for a very long time. For this, I must ask your forgiveness, and beg a little more of your patience. 

I attempted a project several months ago. It was not a failure! In fact, had I and the world been more aligned, I am rather sure it might have come to something marvelous! However, that was (as you can guess,) not the case. Life got right in the middle of me and the world as we tried to start this tango, and fouled up our footwork.

Luckily, things are smoothing out! Have I put the previous project on hold? Yes. Have I once more thought about another project? Also, yes.

I thought of something a little easier to manage. Something that can reflect my eagerness and efforts to be published in the world of weird and delightful fantasy. Something that can be an outlet to my passions and pursuits. Something that won't require ALL of my brain-space at once.

A Newsletter.

I have always loved newsletters. I love the very IDEA of them. So, I thought, what about a monthly newsletter? About writing, and reading, and my new novel, and all of that lovely stuff?

So, I made myself a Mailchimp account, and I've gotten started!

(As you might have noticed, there's a subscribe button, bottom right, under my other links. Hint hint.)

And because I know this is a concern in such trying times, yes, the Newsletter is free. It is so easy now-a-days to support the ones you love, and this is even easier than going to a website to read my writing. This is a newsletter e-mail that you don't even have to read.

So! We begin this new chapter! Huzzah! Lets go!

The Cycle

 Born, live, school, sort of live, work, work some more, change jobs, work again, eventually die.

Poem for the day.

Connections are fluid

melding between people like water around rocks.

We are different with animals.

We say we're just like them, but we aren't, are we?

We're the smarter, uglier versions

Upgraded with lots of bugs in the system

It wasn't broke. 

Why did we fix it?

How is it better to be what we are now;

Slaving and working and struggling

Limitations invisible and all-consuming

Dreams just dreams and mostly unattainable.

Why can't we be like Dogs?

Curled and comfortable,

loving without reason or expectation

Simple kindnesses appreciated

With no agendas or machinations past a good meal and a kiss.

I don't like it here.

Project

 

PATREON!

 Heyo!

Not that there are many of you who read this rant-poetry-fest BUT -

I've got a new project!

I have a Patreon!

https://www.patreon.com/OruTheInfinite

Stop on by!

Another Poetry Challenge

 Greetings to all my many invisible admirers, silent supporters, and mute cheerleaders. Greetings to all those to blip onto my page for just long enough to record the view, but not long enough to actually enjoy or read anything on the page! And hello especially and with the most enthusiasm to those who actually DO read my rants and poetry and more rants. Because you're angels and I love you and that isn't sarcasm, I promise!

Anyway, I have here this little print out of 30 days of poetry prompts. And I thought since I had so much fun doing it years and years ago, maybe I could have fun doing it again?

Anything to inspire a little motivation to do ANYTHING would be welcome, honestly. You know how long it took me to get into my Carowyn Cosplay the other day!? Good Lord I sat in bed for like two hours just dreading the idea. 

I could tell you why, but we don't have all day and I'm sure you are not entertained by my rants as much as I am. 

IN any case. None of these are likely to be any good. At least in my opinion. But hey, you might like them, who knows!

Day One. "When you meet a Stranger..."

When you meet a stranger,
what do you notice first?
Small things?
Tidiness of cuticles, or perhaps
manicured level of their eyebrows
or maybe the printed brand of their clothing?

Or do you notice bigger things?
Warmth of their smile,
courtesy given in passing,
or how they just can't stop peeking over at that well-behaved dog in the corner?

When you meet a stranger,
do you ponder their outside trappings,
or do you peer until you get a glimpse just beneath the surface?

End of the world.

 I watch movies

About the end of the world

And I think how scary it would be.

I see tides rise

And comets fall

Seas boil and mountains crumble

Viruses plaguing the Earth

Flesh eating monsters 

Alien invasions and explosions

Supernatural evils with

Spiky, wicked tentacles 

Frost creeping like sinister mist

People running and screaming and hiding

Car crashes and falling planes

Derailed high speed trains

Sinking ships on tossing ocean waves

Zombies lurking in dark corners

A burnt out pit of a sun blinking in the sky

Like a candle about to go out

Mania and hysteria and panic and fear

And none of that

None of it

None

Is as goddamn terrifying

As those old white men

Telling me

Me

What I cannot do

With my own

Stinking

Meat suit.