Reincarnation?

 Every once in a while I give reincarnation a serious think. 

It doesn't help, that when I was a kid (and sure, a little depressed,) I was convinced that I did not belong in this world, that I wasn't meant to be here, that I was supposed to be anywhere else. It doesn't help, because I've been starting to feel that way again, intensely, and upsettingly. 

I digress. 

Reincarnation is such a great concept. I feel like the people who came up with it were sitting idly, contemplating their own point of views. Their own consciousness, the inability to literally see through any other perspective than our own. How when we sleep time sort of blips between eyes closing and opening again? Or else we have wild and wacky dreams that span vast lengths of time, or simple blinks of space. 

Did they come to the same conclusion that I did? That the consciousness that we inhabit in those moments doesn't just.... stop? That is must keep going, somewhere else, awaken as something else, that it is as continuous as the chain of events that craft and mold the universe? 

Because I believe that when I die, and I close my eyes for the last time, and everything slips away, I will experience the most intense dream sequence imaginable. It might last for eons, for moments, but it will be glorious and terrifying and heartbreaking all at once. 

And then - I believe that I will open my eyes. 

Perhaps I will remember my old life in those first moments, and that is why babies cry and cry and cry when they are first born. Or perhaps I won't remember, and I'll cry for forgetting. Or perhaps, not cry at all, and simply be filled with awe, and wonder, and gratitude at having been given something new. 

And maybe in that next one I'll feel a little more suited to it. 

It's a nice thought, anyway. 

Broken Heart

Do you remember how it felt, when your heart broke for the first time?

I remember that it felt like every color paled. Like every sound dulled. Like the tide had suddenly come in, a roaring of waves in my ears. That sudden chest-filling, like too many feathers stuffed up under my ribs Trying to smother a sparking, sputtering heart with downy fluff Only to have it flash-burn and diminish into soft, clogging ash. Again and again and again, sticking to the insides of my bones-- Like an over-eager crawling in my palms as my throat tightened, Emotion crept up under my jaw and clung beneath the hinge, Like my tears were hiding there, swallowed back, not now, not here. Impossible pain that started as the warmth and safety of home. Something wonderful ended, something stable crumbled, a fire suddenly banked. Mixed urges misfire behind my eyes, To scream, to cry, to hide, to run, to stop everything everywhere, please. Just stop, please stop.

Do you remember what it was, that broke your heart the first time?

I remember that I got close to someone far away. Bonded as if by magic.

I can't remember if they were real, but they had to have been.

Real enough for me, anyway. Maybe I could feel their hand in mine as I held open the book to read.

Maybe they were the blanket around my shoulders as I watched the screen. Maybe they came to life a bit too well, a bit too thoroughly, and claimed a spot

in my heart. Maybe I put too much of myself into them as I guided them through their destiny.

Then, the connection broke. The credits rolled, the chapter ended, the boss was slain, the ink ran out.

A blink and they were gone, as if they had never existed at all.

Do you remember how it felt, when your heart broke for the first time?

When something shares a place inside your head so thoroughly that their absence makes you feel less.

When something ignites something inside you so brightly that when it leaves, the light extinguishes.

When something touches you so deeply that when those tendrils fade you feel cold.

I remember.

Welcome in, 2025!

 Here we go, kiddies.

It's been a whole 7 days of 2025, and I'm going to give you the Oru List of What-the-fucks. 

NEW YEAR CONS: 

- Dogs both got some seriously disturbing stomach bugs, and had been shitting acid for about 5 days between the pair of them. This includes, but is not limited to: waking us up at ungodly hours so they don't shit indoors, shitting indoors when I'm at work by accident because they can't hold it, cleaning up said shit, etc...

- The wonderous world of Feminine-Bodily-Functions assaulted me three days ago, which turned my already low seasonal depression into rock-fucking-bottom depression, spurred on by completing a video game that was so good that I think I may actually DIE because I can no longer continue playing the character I made to beat the game.

- Guess what!? I don't want to work on my edits. I don't want to stress over something SO important to me, knowing that it's going to just sit and die like every other thing I make of my life! What's the point? Have I started bathing in the acrid waters of nihilism!? PERHAPS! At the very least, I'm in the midst of a wallop of a seasonal depression.

- No raise yet. Hooray. 

- The continued and uncontrollable urge to weep, brought on by: music, random thoughts, tactile sensations, looking in the mirror, a fucking BREEZE blowing in the wrong direction, etc... 

NEW YEAR PROS:

- I am still very much alive. So are my dogs, and my love, and my friends. 

- People liked my Chocolate-Gingerbread Cookies.

- The game I'm playing/played until oblivion is absolutely fantastic. Judge me all you want, but I've been a fan of the franchise since Origins. I'm obsessed with the world, the lore, the everything. DragonAge: The Veilguard, my beloved (as some of my friends would surely say.) IN my opinion, the movement of the characters is so natural (especially in comparison to earlier chapters of the game,) and the dialogue is beautifully crafted to purposefully draw you closer to the NPCs, letting you be brusque and rude and funny, but not needing to worry about accidentally alienating an NPC based on a difference of opinion. There's so much more good about it, but I can't because I'll cry like a damn sap. Maybe later.

- I still think my hands are pretty cool. As in, I like the appearance, flexibility, and general size & shape of my hands. Which is something, right? I think it counts. 

- I need a fifth one to make it even. Let me think. Um. Oh, I'm in the party for a friend of mine, gonna be a Grooms-person, and The Groom's dad got all our suits for us, so all we have to pay is Tax. I think that's VERY swell of him, and I thanked him profusely.