Monday, October 24, 2016


I think I am suffering from some pretty severe Ennui; or as says: A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom.

I have no true reason to be unhappy. Not really. But then I think of all these things. Like how I never go out. How I haven't been dancing in years. YEARS. A thing that brought light to my nights, spring in my step, made me feel powerful and beautiful. Gone now.

I wish I wrote more too. But I think of why I write. WHY. What an odd question for me. I enjoy telling stories. I do. But the crux about telling stories is that you have to have someone to tell them to, don't you? And who am I going to tell these tales to? It is hard to get motivated about something no one really gives two shits about, isn't it?

I want a dog. I need more money. I wish I had a real date in the past seven years. I wish I had friends here. People to talk to, hang out with, get coffee, see a girly movie, do make-up, play games, anything with. I wish I was back in New York on Reilly Road in a house that is no longer mine. I wish I could lose this pesky 15-lb extra I had gained. I wish my eyes stopped getting worse. I wish there were no bugs in my apartment. I wish I had a bed frame. I wish I slept better, had better dreams, could lucid dream, had another dream about flying at the very least. I hate dreaming about failure.

I'm sort of finding it difficult to muster a real smile. I feel like every one I have is sort of forced, and that someone, anyone, when they look into my eyes when I offer that plastic grin will just know and call me out and put me on the spot. Sometimes I kind of just cry a little for no good reason other then its actually something I can feel.

Not sure why I'm writing this on here. Probably because all of this would have had my wrist aching if I had used a paper journal. Though I love love love paper journals, can't get enough of them.


1 comment:

  1. You can move in with me and Dan and Chico and let us help you! You can move in with me and Dan and Chico and help me with my writing, and I can help you with your writing and we can both get jobs at Starbucks so that we at least have health insurance! I love you; I love your writing (sometimes I read your Gypsy Fortune teller Poem just to make my day better); when I log onto blogger I scan through my subscriptions and when the words "Oru's Infinite Blogspot" comes up, my brain starts firing. We will always be here for you, whenever you are ready to reach out for us.