Too busy for...

Many things, unfortunately. It's that time in my life when things start to fizzle faster and faster, the stove is on high and the pan just started popping. I'm a bacon slice baby, and I'm frying up quickly.

Whatever that means.

But I have less time. Less time then in High school, where a snow day would warrant random excursions to a neighbor's house to build snow creatures. Less time to stay on the phone with a friend for an hour having an actual talk. Less time to play that game thats been sitting over my Xbox for months. Less time to read the stack of borrowed books I was lent weeks ago. Less time to FINISH the one book I HAD started reading.

I have less time to my own thoughts and more time taken away to drive to work, work, do chores, clean, ache, and get angry. Less time to sleep. Less time to snuggle.

I have less time to just stop. Stop everything and look up, admiring the clouds and how the ptterns across the blue of the sky resemble rabbits, or oceanscapes, or dragons or wolves or birds or flowers. Less time to wait until the sun goes down and watch the many hundred shooting stars that bless me and mine with their magical glimmers of hope. Less time to make wishes. And less time to make wishes come true.

So you know what? I should make time.

....Is it too late for another New Years Resolution?

Oru

Heart on a String

The words were very hard to say.

They burned in my chest like fiery coals, whispering in my ear with their comforting warmth, but still I held onto the ice around me, ignoring the frostbite digging beneath my fingernails. I tried not to listen, convincing myself that it was all a lie, that nothing this beautiful could happen, nothing this wonderful is real. After all, hadn't everything else been a facade over something far less wonderful?

SO I dangled there. Wrapped in my snowy cloak, flakes of crystal perched on my eyebrows and eyelashes, hair frozen into segments, tinkling over my shoulders and behind my ears. I felt the embers burning at my throat, beneath the heart with a hole, and wondered if it would ever heal over and recover.

And a fascinating thing happened. As I tried so desperately to avoid it, to get it out of my mind - Unbeknownst to me, I began to melt. The embers wormed their way through my bloodstream, thawing out the veins and arteries like good little soldiers. The heart with a hole shrank and siezed, compacted and coalesced into a real heart. A whole heart. My heart.

Something I thought had long since been broken without hope.

And when I realized that I was no longer looking through life through an iced pane of glass - when I knew that what I was seeing wasn't tinted glass or an illusion, the last thing to melt was the frown on my face, and muscles that hadn't worked honestly in a while began to morph into a grin. And then I felt the thunder of powerful wings beneath my ribs, pounding away in a way I had actually forgottne. In such a space of time that can be seen as disgraceful, I had forgotten what the beating of my own heart should sound like.

SO I let go. I dropped my frigid veil, and it fell from my shoulders like winter makes way for spring. And I held out my arms with words pressed to my lips like my Lover's kiss, and I let the warmth take me over at last, pull me out of my damaged shell and into a new one. Made of stronger stuff, forged in fires, cooled in spring water and wielded like a blade made for truth.

And as I embraced him, as I pulled him down to kiss me, and the skies above cleared for just a moment, the moon shining down on us like an approving Diety, realizing his machinations had come to fruition, I spoke the words with every ounce of myself. They flowed as naturally as breath and he breathed them in, and his smile was like the summer sun.

So I said it again. And I will say it as long as his face brings me warmth and his smile brings me joy. I will say it as long as I long to make him happy and see him so. For he is the sun and I am the Earth - and he will never cease to warm even the most distant parts of me.

-Oru.

The Hole

I was walking along, minding my own business when something astounding happened.
I missed my step, staggering in place a moment, as the thought took me over, wrapping me up in a Miasma of doubt.

'What does it matter?'

Daunting as the subject was, I managed to grab it by the neck and wrestle it to the ground. I was only relatively successful - and I escaped with more then my fair share of bruises and bumps of course - but I learned something. Let me explain.

What does it matter if we live?

What does our life hold that is so important, so urgent to hold onto? Is is Love? That fading, fleeting, most tempestuous of emotions? Is it the desire for Vengeance? Driving men to madness, women into frenzy, and their targets into panic? Friendship? Wealth? Power? Any of the above? All of them no matter how trivial, hold sway over our hearts and our actions without us even knowing it. We won't date this person because they smell, we won't hang out with this person because they're a drag. We won't see this movie because other people didn't like it....

So sure, pick one of those things to classify as your reason for getting up in the morning. But that wasn't the original problem, was it? The original question was a bit more intense.

What does it matter why we live? What is the point? What is the point of jotting down our deepest emotions so all can see - or even in private, or revealing our loves to be true, or admiting hatred? Why do we even bother to go through our routines, one day a mimicry of the last, and the next a mimicry of that. Why do we wake up, go to school, do what other people expect? When in the long run - we are all specks in an ever expanding universe filled with specks.

So what does it matter? I'll tell you. Every speck matters. Every speck makes up the full portrait of this thing called life. Take one speck away, and another speck will fall into place - but then another behind it will fall, and another behind that - and somewhere at the end of the chain - there are no more. And YOU, that one speck gone, made that chain reaction. You caused the others to fall behind you.

So hang in there, friend. I'm that speck right next to you holding your hand. I'm the speck with an arm around your shoulders when you cry and a tissue ready for you to blow your nose in.

Hang in there.

~Oru